I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
