Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
