what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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