If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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