Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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