At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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