I love black thongs
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize