He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
