i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
