I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
