She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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