dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
