Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
