Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
