i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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