Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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