Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
