so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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