Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
