ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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