I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
