So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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