come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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