wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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