census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
