drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
