Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm jealous of your bromance
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
