Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
