I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
