I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
