If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
