Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
