My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
