Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
