yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
