I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
