So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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