capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
