I think my vagina is haunted
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
