Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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