i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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