3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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