Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
there is puke in my bra ... again
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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