Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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