they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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