so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize