I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
