This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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