Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
