you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
