Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
