Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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