I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
