She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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