ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
