You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
