if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
