I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
