Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Randomize
