Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
