I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
