; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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