We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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